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Lies My Mother Never Told Me: A Memoir, by Kaylie Jones
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In her riveting memoir Lies My Mother Never Told Me, Kaylie Jones—the daughter of author James Jones (From Here to Eternity) and an acclaimed author in her own right (A Soldier’s Daughter Never Cries; Celeste Ascending; As Soon As It Rains)—tells the poignant story of her relationship with her famous father and her alcoholic mother, and of her own struggles with the disease. A true story of privilege, loss, self-discovery, and redemption, Lies My Mother Never Told Me is Jones’s unforgettable account of a not-quite-fairy-tale childhood and adulthood defined by two constants: literature and alcohol.
- Sales Rank: #965631 in Books
- Published on: 2010-08-17
- Released on: 2010-08-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .90" w x 5.31" l, .64 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 400 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. Accomplished author Jones (A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries), daughter of famed literary figure James Jones, has spent most of her life avoiding the twin parental legacies of fame and alcoholism. In this brilliant, touching memoir, Jones faces both head-on. Jones explores her life, from her childhood in France, surrounded by the greatest literary minds of the age, to her troubled adulthood, seeking a way independent of the great minds that sired her. Looming throughout is Jones's larger-than-life mother-charming, caustic and alcoholic. As Jones wrestles with her own alcohol issues, coming out sober and strong, her relationship with her mother (long in denial) continues to deteriorate. Absolutely addictive, this story of struggle and triumph is a joy to read, thanks to Jones's gift for handling dark material with humor and grace. A rare child of privilege capable of looking on herself and her family objectively, Jones has produced a memoir will be a treasure for fans of literature and literary memoirs, as well as anyone who's coped with alcoholics in the family.
Review
“A bright, fast-paced memoir with an inviting spirit. There is real immediacy to the family portraits here....There’s also great daughterly love for James Jones, as his daughter sometimes insists on referring to him, and palpable pride in his achievements. ” (Janet Maslin, New York Times)
“Unadorned, poignant and honest to the core, Kaylie Jones’ memoir is a light emerging from the shadows of a writing life.” (Colum McCann, author of Let the Great World Spin)
“Searing, brutally honest....What makes Lies My Mother Never Told Me such an uplifting book despite all the pain and turmoil it recounts is its revelation of how Kaylie Jones has matured as a person in dealing with her twin legacies, literary and alcoholic, and also as a writer.” (Washington Times)
“Brilliant, touching…. Absolutely addictive, this story of struggle and triumph is a joy to read, thanks to Jones’s gift for handling dark material with humor and grace…. a treasure for fans of literature and literary memoirs, as well as anyone who’s coped with alcoholics in the family.” (Publishers Weekly (starred review))
From the Back Cover
Her mother, Gloria, was a brainy knockout whose fierce wit could shock an audience into hilarity or silence. Her father was James Jones, the award-winning author of From Here to Eternity and other acclaimed novels of World War II . Kaylie Jones grew up amid such family friends as William Styron, Irwin Shaw, James Baldwin, and Willie Morris, and socialized with the likes of Truman Capote, Norman Mailer, and Kurt Vonnegut. When her father died from heart failure complicated by years of drinking, sixteen-year-old Kaylie was broken and lost, which in turn left her powerless to withstand her mother's withering barbs and shattering criticism, or to halt Gloria's further descent into the bottle—or that of her own.
Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a beautifully written tale of personal evolution, family secrets, second chances, and one determined woman's journey to find her own voice.
Most helpful customer reviews
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Medicine for the Broken Soul, Doctor's Orders
By Qanta Ahmed
I had the great good fortune to discover 'Lies My Mother Never Told Me' earlier on this month. I picked up the book after a busy day of meetings and began to read, unwinding from a hectic day. Soon I was engrossed, and despite the lateness of the hour, had to read deep into the night. The next day I returned to it, setting my work aside and a day later finished it in a final sitting. I shed unseen tears in the fluorescent ignominy of a nail salon as I reached the poignant ending of the book. Ms.Jones writes with a brutal honesty and integrity which can only be the hard won prize of true introspection born of searing intensity and courage.
As a practicing physician, I have diagnosed, attended, treated and sadly even pronounced many, many alcoholics who often evoke in me a deep sense of pathos and loss. In my opinion, this book captures the other side of the conversation and is truly instructive toward healing the divide between alcoholism and hapless medical physicians who often cannot identify, empathize or begin to understand the invisible alcoholics who are all too often unacknowledged, overlooked in our offices. Instead we engage in a masquerade of treating a more socially acceptable illness, a skin infection or a dental abcess, all the while overlooking the alcoholic who is often desperate to be released through the rebirth a diagnosis could really provide.
The day after I finished the book I attended my usual afternoon office hours. The first patient who entered was a woman I had recently identified as newly relapsed into active alcoholism. She and I talked about our last meeting some weeks earlier, and, after a few minutes, I wrote down the title of this book and the name of the author, insisting my patient read this. She beamed with the sense that finally someone could relate to her. The patient was heartened: finally I was offering a medicine (of sorts) which felt inclusive, not punitive or labeling or somehow judgmental. She left to attend her AA meeting later that day and at the next visit I will ask her about her experience of the book.
At the end of office hours I met a new patient who had disclosed a life long phobia of driving. For some reason, I asked her where this fear came from, and she immediately described a terrifying childhood of being captive to her father's reckless drunken driving. She crouched down as she explained how she protected her younger brother who huddled with her on the floor behind the backseat of the wildly swerving car. I could see the terror in her eyes, forty years later. She too walked away with a 'prescription' for this book.
There is much greatness in Ms.Jones - in her humanity, her humility, her defiance and her perseverance. This she has protected deep within herself despite the burdens of a heavy mantle a scion of literary royalty must bear. Her book captures all of this. But perhaps what she is unaware of is that in writing her memoir to heal herself, she has unwittingly healed many, many others.
I recommend everyone with any relationship - personal, professional, academic, intellectual or otherwise - with alcoholism (no matter how remote the interface appears to be) run out and snatch a copy of this book. The words are nothing short of medicine for the broken soul.
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Famous war-author's daughter enjoyed a life of privilege but suffered from her mother's belittling and familial alcohol abuse.
By Julee Rudolf
Kaylie Jones' (p 27) sums up her alcoholic, socialite mother's thoughts about her thusly, "I annoyed and bored my mother to distraction, and elicited from her the most soul-shattering cruelty--the kind only a mother can inflict." Like her father, Ms. Jones (born in 1960) became a writer. And it sounds like her father felt similarly about his own mother as she did about hers. In the preface to her father's collection of short stories The Ice-Cream Headache and Other Stories, "TICH" Ms. Jones claims that (p ii), "he hated--passionately hated--his mother Ada." The Jones family of four (the couple adopted a boy the same age as their biological daughter when he was four) lived in France until moving to the States in 1974. Lies My Mother Never Told Me contains plenty of Jones family members' interactions with famous literati as well as entertaining, often expletive-filled, anecdotes about her parents. In the second chapter she tells of her father's upbringing and discusses the contents of TICH (much of the same stuff can be found in the preface she wrote for the collection). Things changed for the family after James Jones' diagnosis with a serious heart condition. She shares details of her educational experiences, writing career, romance, dabble in drugs, and alcohol dependence and delves deep into the near-Mommy Dearest theme. Fortunately, her mother was always there with a helping handout ((p 81), "My mother always gave me money when I needed it. Always;" (p 123), "She rescued me with a $20,000 check;" and (p 153) "Through a friend of hers, we'd found a psychiatrist, and since I didn't have health insurance, my mother was helping me pay for the sessions." Unfortunately, she never seemed to win her battle with the bottle.
Although Kaylie Jones' mother's belittling behavior towards her daughter and granddaughter was heartbreaking, her focus on financials, especially in light of her mother's frequent funding, was irritating. She whines about her ex-beau after their break-up (p 137-138), "Clearly, it had been important to him to gather whatever material spoils he could on his way out...I'd been completely outplayed. I'd let him take anything he'd wanted out of the hundreds of expensive gifts," gets stressed at hearing she's been disinherited in favor of her granddaughter Eyrna (p 354), `"She cut me out of her will." My mouth was completely dry, and I was hyperventilating. "I can't breathe,"' and later (courtesy of Eyrna's dad), "All we ever wanted was to be able to provide for Eyrna a private school education and an Ivy League college, if that's what she wants. And she'll have that." This financial freakishness from a gal whose only political comments are anti-Republican (p 118), "...those monstrous Reagan years...," and (p 312), "...George W. Bush...a news clip had shown the U.S. president failing to stand for the old veterans until President Mitterand leaned over and quietly urged him to his feet," seems odd. Then again, I'm more of a "pull oneself up by the bootstraps" kind of gal (and paid my own way through undergrad and grad school). But I digress... Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a longer than average memoir about a girl trying to get back on the path after straying due to the affects of her father's early death and her mother's outrageous behaviors. Better: The Mercy Papers by Robin Romm, The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, and The Ice-Cream Headache and Other Stories by James Jones.
11 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
Self-help Memoir
By A. Howe
From the opening word of her memoir, Lies My Mother Never Told Me, to the final punctuation, Kaylie Jones puts her life in full view for all the world to read knowing full well her self-esteem, dignity, and emotional health will cannon fodder and become casualties of war. A war fought on the home front that ambushes, out flanks, and attacks her head on. The enemy is alcoholism and Gloria Jones, Kaylie's mother, is the face of that adversary. Being the daughter of a WWII veteran, Kaylie soldiers on to resurrect her life from the ashes of the battlefield.
Although Gloria Jones may be seen as an evil character from a Disney movie, Kaylie portrays her realistically, yet tactfully does not post blame. Gloria, despite her horrible comments to Kaylie throughout her life is seen for her physical beauty, grace, sense of humor, and addiction that consumes the real Gloria and those around her. The brutal honesty in which Kaylie writes is an attribute to her as a writer, person, and healer. How does a child hearing numerous times, "If I had to pick between having your father of having you, I would pick your father" and not be cut to the core? This sets the pattern of verbal abuse Kaylie endures at the hands of her mother's addiction. It would be easy for Kaylie to blame her mother, but she doesn't. Kaylie does what all children of alcoholics or children whose parents are divorcing do. She blames herself and suppresses the hurt and anger in order to keep the peace. Having had years of experience, therapy, a supporting husband, and a tough, strong-willed, and insightful daughter, Kaylie is able to filter through the rubble and never place blame, but enlighten us to the true evil mustache-twisting antagonist, alcohol.
Kaylie, herself, turned to the bottle as a way to cope with life. Her entire life she was groomed that alcohol is not evil, but the people who could not handle it are. Alcoholics are degenerates who are homeless and whose lives are in shambles. After all, her father wrote several novels while drinking heavily. That was "proof" he wasn't an alcoholic. Her mother functioned normally, had a wonderful husband and social life, and she drank heavily. Wasn't that "proof" she wasn't an alcoholic? They were alcoholics and Kaylie became one herself, but realized that despite her family's definition of an alcoholic, she faced the sobering truth and admitted it.
Despite all the horrible things Kaylie experienced at the hands of alcohol, including the loss of her father as a teenager, she propels herself upward after hitting rock bottom. What Kaylie experienced was the control that "demon-alcohol" has on a person. As she starts her path to sobriety, Kaylie is met head-on and is refuted by her mother. Kaylie breaks away, not from her mother, but the stranglehold alcohol has on her life. Just as she described, alcoholics circle the wagons to defend their need to maintain their lifestyle. That lifestyle often flourishes because the alcoholic surrounds themselves with other alcoholics or enablers. Kaylie, with her resurrected self-esteem, need for normalcy, and sheer desire to be well, breaks free again. She does so not only for herself, but for the survival of her family.
Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a self-help book brilliantly disguised as a memoir. Whether you are an adult child of alcoholic parents (ACOA), or someone who grew up with other issues, Lies My Mother Never Told Me will contain something for anyone searching for a road map to find solace in their life. Kaylie proves no matter what demons you face, there are always options to free yourself and get your life back on track.
Kaylie has changed her life round and now assists others to better their lives as a teacher, writer, and friend. She is a dedicated teacher who goes to any lengths in helping her students achieve their goals. With the publishing of Lies My Mother Never Told Me, Kaylie is able to extend her assistance beyond the classroom, right into the reader's home. Lies My Mother Never Told Me is a reflection into the past, and outline of the present, and a guide into the future. What could be better than a hand-held therapy session for your personal demons than a friendly copy of Lies My Mother Never Told Me, or thousands of dollars and countless hours of therapy with a stranger? Thank you Kaylie for helping me understand alcoholism and making sense of what I experienced as a child of alcoholic parents. You have given me insight into not only the mind of an alcoholic, but also myself, and why I reacted and did the things I couldn't understand. Lies My Mother Never Told Me can do the same for you if you read with the same openness and honesty Kaylie writes with.
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